16 Bad Movies

Maybe you’ve seen Facebook notes where your friends have to seemingly instantaneously come up with five, ten, sixteen, or even twenty movies that they know, love, or remember. Let’s turn this on its head, shall we? How about sixteen movies that you dislike, or hate, or there’s no redeeming the time and/or money spent watching them. Here’s my list:

  1. “Untraceable” – Diane Lane and Collin Hanks couldn’t save this torture porn masquerading as a drama.
  2. “Running Scared” – A movie so bad that Entertainment Weekly said “Paul Walker deserves better. The only reason to watch this is to see everything you shouldn’t do in a movie.
  3. “Daredevil” – A superhero movie that didn’t know what it wanted to be.
  4. “Splice” – Sci-fi so convoluted that “Star Trek”’s misuse of time-travel makes sense.
  5. “Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead” – Hoffman and Hawke playing brothers caught up in a bad series of events. Only worth seeing Marisa Tomei naked.
  6. “Transformers 2” – It went wrong from the start and continued building a pile of dung every fifteen minutes.
  7. “The Green Hornet” – Seth Rogen playing Seth Rogen playing Britt Reid.
  8. “Messenger: the Story of Joan of Arc” – One of the few movies that makes me nauseous.
  9. “The Lawnmower Man 2” – Say what you will about the first. I don’t think that Matt Frewer remembers making this film.
  10. “Shoot ‘Em Up” – Over-the-top “Sin City” wannabe starring Clive Owen.
  11. “Cloverfield” – “Godzilla”-wannabe shot on shaky-cam and easily forgotten (except for making this list)
  12. “I Am Legend” – Will Smith picks fights with undead, infected CG monsters.
  13. “Cop Out” – Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan in a film where only Seann William Scott
  14. “Daddy’s Dying, Who’s Got the Will?” – Beau Dridges and Judge Reinhold gather over their dad’s deathbed.
  15. “Clerks II” – The kind of Kevin Smith movie that his own characters would make fun of.
  16. “Zack and Miri Make a Porno” – Spill.com said it best: “Only Kevin Smith can make the making of a porno boring.”

So, what about you out there in Internet-world? You have any contenders for the list? Wanna debate my choices? Let’s hear from you.

2 Comments on "16 Bad Movies"

  1. This piece was cogent, well-wriettn, and pithy.

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